I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
