Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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