Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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