I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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