So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
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