1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
