dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
