I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
