i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize