It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
