i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
