i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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