Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
