I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
