i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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