Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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