he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
