Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
