Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
