i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
