i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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