I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
