I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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