Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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