yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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