last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This house was built for laser tag.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
