Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
