You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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