Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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