just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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