wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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