Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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