Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
