Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
