Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
