she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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