Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
