Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
