I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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