how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
