there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
