I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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