I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize