alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
