How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
