i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
