I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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