no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
