Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
