I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
