I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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