Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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