i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
