Well douche your snatch and let's go!
my phone needs a breathalizer
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
